confused-AF

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

I don’t know how long it has been since it happened, since I released all the pain you caused me on you.I can’t remember when was the last time we talked, laughed, and loved like we used to.All I know is that, I was avoiding seeing your pictures scared that I will realize that I missed you, the Idea of my heart skipping a beat over your smile was intimidating. But today I decided to delete your remains, and it was… anticlimactic.

Seeing you again did nothing but confuse me, for the first time in 2 long years I see your face and I wonder how I ever loved you.

You might think it’s normal, but can’t you see?? I was so in love with you, I was willing to do anything for you, back then when I thought you were my soulmate. But now? Now I look and wonder what was it that made you special back then, and I think that I did. My love for you wasn’t logical, never been, and that made me think you were the one while you were just someone.

How you managed to ruin this is beyond me, but nevertheless, thank you… Thank you for making me see you for who you truly are, no one, just a bump in the road and I’m so grateful that I’ll only see you in my rear view mirror now.

Goodbye forever,

And from the bottom of my heart I hope to never see you again.

I despise liars, lies and laying in general. I have always thought that telling the truth is the right thing to do.

Thus, here I am admitting the ugliest of truths; I am the biggest liar I have ever known, I am a scared 6 years old girl, worried that telling the truth will get her in trouble. I bury truth after truth till my whole identity is a fantasy I have created for myself

I am the hypocrite who asks you to be brave because they cannot conjure the courage to be.

Boosting about my altered tales like I have lived them, while I lay in the thorns of fear.

I am selfish, weak, emotionless, insensitive and a LIAR.

I have never hated anyone like I do myself at the moment.

I am not who I thought I was, and I am sick to my stomach from what was hidden behind the rosy fog of narcissism.

اليوم: 12/5/2021

الساعة: 3:38 صباحا

عم بحبك من اول وجديد وما بعرف كيف ممكن اهرب من هاد الشعور، وكأنه ما بعدنا وكأنه ما جرحتيني ولا جرحتك وكأنه انا وانت لقينا عالمنا من جديد.

من اول ما بلشت قصتنا واحنا بنظري عايشين ب 3 عوالم موازية؛ عالمك، عالمي، وعالمنا انا وانت بس. ومن اول ما شفت ال 3 وانا امنيتي يلتقوا، يختلطوا زي المي والمي ما يتفرق بينهم. بس عوالمنا عم بكونوا مي وزيت قد ما نحاول مش عم ينخلطوا مش عم بكونوا واحد.

بدي ياكي معي، محتاجيتك جنبي. تعبت من كل هالفضاء الي بينا، تعبت نحكي قصص يومنا لبعض وما نقدر نحكي قصصنا للناس.

بدي نطلع ونلف بالسيارة واغنيلك مع الراديو وانت سايقة، اجي عشغلك فجأة عشان اشتقتلك كتير، بدي لما نحضر فلم وتنعسي تغفي بحضني بنصه. غالية انا بدي حياة معك، حياتي كاملة بس معك، مش قادرة اشوفها مع حدا ثاني ولا قادرة اعيشها معك وعم بتوجع.

صورتك بالمستطيل الصغير عم توجع قلبي.

نفسي اشمك، المسك، احضنك، احكيلك اني بحبك بدون ما اخاف ما تسمعيني. مش عارفة شو اعمل ولا عارفة ابعد عنك ولا عارفة احبك، غالية بدي احبك، احبك جد لانه كلماتي ما بتوصل.

ما اسهل واصعب حبك!

We say that life has its ups and downs, as if they are two separate events that happen at different times, but we do not talk about how you can be flying high and falling hard at the same time.

It is not always black and white, it is not always either or, and for that we walk through life struggling to find the balance between the pull to the bottom and the push to the top.

I wonder how we haven’t gone mad yet due to the pained smiles and the ecstatic frowns!

She is in pain! I ache for her.

She is lost! I cannot be the one who finds her this time.

She is clinging to the memories! I am drowning them into oblivion.

I miss loving her, I miss loving myself through her, I miss the idea of her. Not her though; I don’t miss her.

I Do not love her, I do not want to anymore.

Was she a coward? Or did she not love me enough to fight her demons? I stopped looking for the answers.

Now she is history; my history, and she was an up and a down.

I am aware of the fact that I am not making any sense, so thank you G for ruining logical thinking forever.

Your smile is my endless revival.

The sound of your “I miss you” shelters me after I was astray.

Our kiss is cursed with a distant touch, yet it is the true love kiss they sang about, it is the true love kiss that summons the soul to possess the flesh it abandoned again.

Before you, I was planning to stay with me, now I cannot be me if I am not a part of us.

I believe you more than I believe my own truths. Who does not have faith in their savior!?

Life redeemed itself when it led my bitter heart to you.

Her

All you had to do was smile, all you had to do is give me that look; the one I know is reserved for me from now on, and now.. now I am reserved for you.

How am I falling in love with your teeth? How can that be deciphered? How did you manage to enchant my fortified heart which was mourning life before you?

Ironically, I now know that every time I spat in the face of love - many times- it was just because deep inside something in me knew that I should wait for you, that you will be LOVE with all its sides, with it’s ups and downs, with it’s suddenness yet familiarity.

Baby, you are love. As simple as that.